Own your stuff

Owning your problems, opinions, wants and needs and letting others own theirs is a basic foundation principle for successful communication. It’s not only important when you’re communicating with others, it’s also important when you’re communicating with yourself.
Anger and discomfort can grow when we ruminate about how bad someone else made us feel. First of all: no one can MAKE you feel anything. They may do something and you have a certain emotional response, but they didn’t make you feel it.

Your emotional response to situations arises from your unique makeup of biology and personal history, including experiences ranging from early life to a few minutes ago. Own it—it’s yours.

Integrity

A definition of integrity:

Behaving in an ethical way. Being worthy of people’s trust.

I had a client who told me in their first session that he had been “working on integrity.” He said it as if to declare that integrity was something he had made great strides at and was proud of his level of the quality. Just about the time of his 3rd scheduled appointment he called and said that he had guests and could not make it to the appointment. I reminded him that the contract he signed with me said that clients must pay for an hour if they do not give 24 hours notice of cancellation. I also reminded him that we had a conversation about the policy. I make exceptions for sudden illness etc, but this last-minute re-prioritization of time was not an exceptional circumstance. That was the last I saw of him & he did not pay for the missed appointment. He was right about one thing: he needed to work on Integrity.

Working on building Integrity, some things to think about:
Have you had an opportunity lately to work on advancing your skill with the quality of Integrity?
Do you see an opportunity in the near future?
Have you had challenges with Integrity in the past?
Do you know someone who demonstrates Integrity often? How does it impact their life & the people around them?
How would Integrity, or lack of Integrity, impact your relationships?

© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC ann@annsilvers.biz  Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC

206-660-9840 http://www.annsilvers.biz/

How abusive women abuse men: introduction

Abuse is a pattern of reoccurring behaviors involving self-centered motivations. It is common for abuse to run in cycles of more intense and less intense phases, possibly involving a period of regret, apology, and promises of change.

Some behaviors, like stabbing or stalking, are blatantly abusive. Other abusive behaviors may be more confusing. Many potentially-abusive behaviors can occur in non-abusive situations. Unplanned pregnancies really are accidental sometimes. People are irritable sometimes and say inappropriate things. A partner may not be in the mood for sex for a myriad of reasonable reasons. The difference between abuse and normal is often found in frequency and motivation. And frequency may not be about reoccurrences of the same abusive behavior but rather a combination of behaviors.

Ways abusive women abuse men: a list

Abusive people sometimes have methods-of-choice and so focus their abuse in a few select ways. Others use a variety-pack of abuses. The following are examples of how abusive women abuse men. Some of the ways women abuse are the same or similar to those used by men, some are unique to women.  It is important to be clear that it would not be expected that all the possible techniques are used in each case.

Fear, stress & anxiety

Often what we label as “stress” is based in underlying feelings of fear. Everyone feels fear sometimes, even those people that may have the misconception that having fear is a sign of weakness. All emotions are tools that let us know what is going on between us and the world. Fear warns us of danger. Sometimes, it’s healthy to listen to the fear because if you do the thing that stimulated the fear you or someone else will get hurt. Sometimes, the fear isn’t that rational. The perceived threat may not be as dangerous as the level of our fear would indicate or may in fact not be dangerous at all. Sometimes the fear needs to be overridden.

People experience a wide range of fears over things big and small; in and out of their control. We may fear growing old, change, not making the mortgage payment, public speaking, taking a test, making a mistake, appearing stupid, loss of control, getting hurt (physically or emotionally), not getting to watch our favorite TV show, the toothpaste drying out, the dishwasher not getting filed “right,” …. The list is endless.

Feeling is not a 4-letter word

Some people act like feelings are something other people—lesser people—have, but not something they experience themselves. This concept grows out of training from parents who had that same idea or contact with adults or peers who made acceptance conditional upon the “feelings are bad” code.

The reality is that feelings, or emotions, are an integral and crucial part of being human. Emotions are great tools that let us know what is going on between us and the world. They create a feedback loop that can inform our choices about what to think, do, and say. Fear of big trucks on the move can keep us from walking out into the street as one passes by. Ignoring that feeling can be deadly.

If we don’t pay attention to our emotions, they will still create behaviors in us, we just won’t be as in control of those actions as we are when we are conscious about our emotions.