People experience a wide range of fears over things big and small; in and out of their control. We may fear growing old, change, not making the mortgage payment, public speaking, taking a test, making a mistake, appearing stupid, loss of control, getting hurt (physically or emotionally), not getting to watch our favorite TV show, the toothpaste drying out, the dishwasher not getting filed “right,” …. The list is endless.
If we perceive the threat to be life or death fear triggers the fight or flight response. A physical response, for example a rush of adrenalin, joins in with the emotional one. We quickly make a decision whether we want to stand up to the threat or retreat. If the perceived threat continues over a long period of time or keeps coming back, we get worn out emotionally and physically.
When we feel fear we would do well to ask ourselves what, specifically, we are afraid of so we can make conscious decisions how to respond. We can figure out whether we are going to “fight” by tackling the fear stimulus in a methodical way or take the “flight” option by thoughtfully changing course.
Sometimes fear grows bigger and bigger as we imagine awful possibilities. We blow something up in our mind to catastrophic proportions simultaneously creating a fear mushroom cloud. Psychologist Albert Ellis called this awfulizing. Awfulizing is dwelling on the worst case scenario and imagining devastation rather then formulating how to cope with that scenario or pulling our self back to a more real picture of possible outcomes. Losing a job because your company downsized is scary. Imagining never working again is awfulizing. Anyone may have moments when they fear the worst. Getting stuck in that position can result in a fear drenched inability to move.
It might be that the fear was triggered by something from the past or a similar-but-different situation. It might be that fear was stimulated by your consideration of doing something that isn’t familiar to you. Author Susan Jeffers says that people have a comfort zone made up of those things that are familiar to them and they will experience fear any time they consider doing something outside that comfort zone. This is a normal reaction. If you wait for the fear to subside you’ll never do the feared thing because the fear can only go away when experience makes the object of the fear part of your comfort zone. You have to decide to go ahead and do it while feeling fear in order to get to a time when you can do it without fear. Thus the title of her book: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.
It is noteworthy that the comfort zone Dr Jeffers talks about may be comfortable for its familiarity and yet uncomfortable for its destructiveness. A person who grew up emotionally abused and is now in an emotionally abusive relationship may fear leaving it because those experiences are familiar and somehow “comfortable” at the same time as they are uncomfortable for obvious reasons.
There is a hierarchy of fear. It looks something like this:
panic (immobilizing)
anxiety (consuming)
worry (distracting)
concern (directing)
The higher on the hierarchy your emotional level is, the more energy you burn up. At the level of panic, fear is immobilizing. You have trouble breathing let alone accomplishing other tasks. Anxiety consumes your physical, mental, and emotional energy. Worry eats away at you. It distracts the mind making it difficult to clearly think through options and take constructive action. Concern can be energizing. It tells you something is important and in need of your attention.
It may be helpful to learn how to lower your emotional response from the higher levels of panic, anxiety, and worry down to the level of concern. One step toward achieving that is to actually know that you don’t have to stay at the high emotional levels to do something about a feared situation or thing. If you find yourself anxious about getting dinner on the table you can potentially bring that agitation into the less destructive realm by taking a couple of deep breathes, acknowledge that you have to be concerned about that goal, and think through the steps to accomplish the goal.
Susan Jeffers suggests that fear can be reduced by asking yourself what the worst case scenario could be in the situation and then figure out what you would do if it actually happened. Once you can see a way to handle the worst case scenario, you don’t have to fear the situation anymore. If you fear asking someone out on a date because they might say no and you would feel rejected, you can create a plan for dealing with the possibility of them saying no (preferably a healthy plan—not going out and getting drunk to drown your sorrows.) You could have a plan to call a friend and talk, go to the gym and work off the down feeling, remind yourself that a no doesn’t make you a bad person, …. The possibilities are endless and you can think up one, or more, that suit you and your unique circumstances.
“We can’t escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us in all our exciting adventures”© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC ann@annsilvers.biz Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC
-- Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway
206-660-9840 http://www.annsilvers.biz/
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