tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-20390288550802324172024-03-13T06:32:29.837-07:00Ann Silvers' BlogAnn Silvers, MA, LMHC. Welcome to my blog about relationship skills, communication skills, men's issues, how abusive women abuse men, and other personal and relationship topics.Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comBlogger16125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-24813426140078218232012-01-20T16:51:00.000-08:002012-01-20T16:53:22.445-08:00Forgiveness – It’s not just for others<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">It’s not only important to be able to forgive other
people.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s important to be able to
forgive yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Healthy forgiveness
involves accessing mistakes and releasing resentment for those mistakes.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>You learn from the mistake.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Make amends when appropriate. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And work at improving future behavior. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Forgiving yourself involves humility: the recognition that you’re
human and humans make mistakes.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Shame, guilt, and regret are emotions that are meant to make
us notice when something we did hurt our self or others. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Once
you’ve paid attention to that message and made adjustments accordingly, it does
not serve you or anyone else for you to wallow in the shame, guilt or
regret.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Forgiving yourself helps you
move on. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It helps you break free of
burdens that can keep you stuck. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><em>“Show me a person
who’s never made a mistake, and I’ll show you the person who’s never made anything.”</em><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>– Anonymous</span></span> </blockquote>
<o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">©</span>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><a href="http://www.annsilvers.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">www.annsilvers.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><a href="mailto:Ann@annsilvers.com"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">Ann@annsilvers.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> 206-660-9840 </span>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-67752608721636107802012-01-18T14:33:00.000-08:002012-01-18T14:39:11.384-08:00Dignity in-tactA wedding invitation I received included a request to compose and bring a haiku poem for the couple. It was a fun exercise. Here's what I came up with:<br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><em><strong>Treasure the good times</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><em><strong>And work your way through clashes</strong></em></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><em><strong>Dignity in-tact</strong></em></span><br />
-Ann Silvers<br />
<br />
The last line has a double meaning: dignity will remain <em>intact</em> if you use <em>tact</em> in your communications.<br />
<span class="st"><strong>intact definition</strong>: untouched especially by anything that harms or diminishes (Merriam Webster)</span><br />
<span class="st"><strong>tact definition:</strong> Saying your honest opinion in a respectful way. Knowing when it's appropriate to express your thoughts and feelings. (Relationship Booster card set by Silvers Publishing)</span>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-69262653345070869182012-01-18T14:02:00.000-08:002012-01-18T14:03:28.764-08:00A marriage poemI wish you not only love, but like.<br />
May you like each other<br />
most of the time<br />
for the rest of your lives.<br />
And may those moments you don't like each other<br />
be dealt with in ways<br />
that don't maim or mutilate<br />
the body, mind or spirit.<br />
-Ann SilversAnn Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-19645741931034651092012-01-18T12:32:00.000-08:002012-01-20T16:52:10.579-08:00Abusive behaviors continuumAbusive behaviors can be placed on continuums which span from totally healthy behavior to totally abusive behavior. <br />
<strong><span style="background-color: #38761d;"> </span><span style="background-color: #38761d; color: white;">non-abusiv<span style="background-color: #38761d;">e</span></span></strong><span style="background-color: #38761d;"> </span><span style="background-color: #38761d; color: #38761d;">--<span style="background-color: yellow; color: yellow;">-</span></span><span style="background-color: yellow; color: yellow;">---</span><span style="background-color: red; color: red;"><span style="background-color: yellow; color: yellow;">- </span><span style="color: red;">--</span></span><span style="background-color: red;"> </span><span style="background-color: red; color: white;"><strong>very abusive </strong></span><br />
<br />
This spread is one of the things that makes abuse so confusing and complicates determining whether specific behavior is abusive in a specific situation.<br />
<br />
<strong><u>Examples of behavior continuums:</u></strong><br />
<br />
<strong>Yelling</strong><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #38761d;"><strong><span style="background-color: #38761d; color: white;">clearly non-abusive:</span> <span style="background-color: #38761d; color: white;">warning someone of</span></strong></span><span style="background-color: #38761d;"><span style="color: white;"> <strong>immediate danger</strong></span></span> </span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: yellow; color: #666666;">in the middle:<span style="background-color: white;"> </span>speaking loudly to press a point</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><strong><span style="background-color: red; color: white;">very abusive:</span> <span style="background-color: red; color: white;">loud, aggressive</span></strong></span><span style="background-color: red; color: white;"> </span></span></span></span></span></span><span style="color: white;"><span style="background-color: red;"><strong>threats or</strong> <strong>demeaning comments</strong></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #38761d;"></span><br />
<span style="color: black;">Click</span> <em><span style="color: red;">read more</span></em> </span><span style="color: black;">for more examples</span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"></span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><a name='more'></a></span><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: black;"><strong>Unplanned pregnancy</strong></span> </span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #38761d;"><strong><span style="background-color: #38761d; color: white;">clearly non-abusive:</span> <span style="background-color: #38761d; color: white;">truly accidental (efforts to prevent pregnancy failed)</span></strong></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: yellow; color: #666666;">in the middle:<span style="background-color: white;"> </span>irresponsilbe about avoiding pregancy</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><strong><span style="background-color: red; color: white;">very abusive:</span> <span style="background-color: red; color: white;">claimed to be accidental, but really on purpose without agreement</span></strong></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><strong><span style="color: black;">Physical attacks</span></strong> </span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #38761d;"><strong><span style="background-color: #38761d; color: white;">clearly non-abusive:</span> <span style="background-color: #38761d; color: white;">self-defense</span></strong></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="background-color: yellow; color: #666666;">in the middle:<span style="background-color: white;"> </span>without harm or intention of harm</span></span></span><br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: yellow;"><span style="font-size: x-large;"><span style="color: red;"><span style="font-size: small;"><span style="color: red;"><strong><span style="background-color: red; color: white;">very abusive:</span> <span style="background-color: red; color: white;">intentionally creating harm or fear of harm</span> </strong></span></span></span></span></span></span></span><br />
<br />
<span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><span style="color: black;">If there is a cultural tendency to assign women’s actions as
most often good, and/or men’s as most often bad, then abuse by a woman against
a man may be inappropriately placed on the healthy end of the continuum and
wrongfully discounted. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, in
such circumstances, physical attacks by a woman on a man may be seen as being
in self-defense even when they were not. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Similarly, it may be difficult for a man to
recognize that he is being abused because the woman's behaviors are mistakenly excused
for one reason or another. </span></span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">©</span>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><a href="http://www.annsilvers.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">www.annsilvers.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><a href="mailto:Ann@annsilvers.com"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">Ann@annsilvers.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> 206-660-9840 </span>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-10846008008837417842012-01-16T10:01:00.000-08:002012-01-16T10:08:26.806-08:00Courage quote<div style="text-align: center;">
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #76923c; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent3; mso-themeshade: 191;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><em>"Courage is not simply one of the virtues, </em></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt; mso-margin-bottom-alt: auto; mso-margin-top-alt: auto;">
<span style="color: #76923c; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent3; mso-themeshade: 191;"><span style="color: #38761d;"><em>but the form of
every virtue at the testing point."</em></span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #76923c; font-family: "Georgia","serif"; mso-themecolor: accent3; mso-themeshade: 191;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span><span style="color: #6aa84f;">CS
Lewis<o:p></o:p></span></span></div>
</div>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-7795566136049831912012-01-15T10:03:00.000-08:002012-01-15T10:39:03.454-08:00Self-acceptance<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">We don’t
just have relationships with other people; we also have a relationship with our
self.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And that relationship is
foundational to all other relationships. </span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">If you don’t
accept yourself, you probably don’t accept other people either. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><blockquote class="tr_bq">
<span style="color: #38761d;"><em>“The happiness, the peace, and the love you
crave cannot happen without Self-acceptance.”</em> - Robert Holden</span></blockquote>
</span><span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Shame, guilt,
perfectionism, old negative messages repeating in your mind, can all contribute
to being down on yourself.</span> <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Being
unhappy with yourself taints every aspect of your life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t recognize that your unhappiness
is rooted inside, you may mistakenly attribute your unhappiness as being caused
by something or someone else: your job, your partner, your house,. . . . You
might then conclude that you’d feel better if you could just change your job,
dump your partner, move. . . . <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But there’s
a saying about the disappointment that can come when you do something like move
in order to feel better and then discover you’re still unhappy: Everywhere you
go<span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">—</span>there
you are.</span><br />
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</div>
<div>
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">click <em><span style="color: red;">read more</span></em> for: How to improve your self-acceptance.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"><a name='more'></a></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"><strong>How to improve your self-acceptance.</strong></span></span></span></span><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; line-height: normal;"><ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Healthy self-acceptance isn’t about
ignoring mistakes you’ve made in the past or allowing yourself to repeat those
mistakes in the future.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is about engaging
humility and courage so that you can examine mistakes, gather wisdom and
understanding the situations have to offer, make adjustments and possibly
amends, and acknowledge to yourself that you are human and therefore will make
mistakes. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>
</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Negative self-talk may be words or
phrases that you heard many years ago popping into your mind again and
again.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When you become aware of the negative
messages you can challenge them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In my
thirties, I realized I would commonly hear “You’re stupid” in my mind.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I began to challenge it each time I heard it,
saying to myself: “Reality check. You’re not stupid.” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And then remind myself of the evidence that I
am actually quite smart.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually the “You’re
stupid” message went away.
</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Sometimes the negative feelings you
have about yourself are the result of a secret you hold about something that
was done to you. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>For example, childhood
sexual abuse often creates shame, guilt, wondering whether you caused the
abuse, and holding on tight to the secret. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The result can be a heavy negative feeling
about yourself.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is very important for
those who were abused as children to recognize that they were the target of
grooming and manipulation; and heal those wounds.
</span></div>
</li>
</ul>
<ul>
<li><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt 0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Verdana, sans-serif;">Life is an experiment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Learn to accept yourself while you strive to
improve yourself.</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
</li>
</ul>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-family: Calibri; mso-bidi-theme-font: minor-latin;">©</span>Ann Silvers, LMHC; <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><a href="http://www.annsilvers.com/"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">www.annsilvers.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> </span><a href="mailto:Ann@annsilvers.com"><span style="color: blue; font-family: Calibri;">Ann@annsilvers.com</span></a><span style="font-family: Calibri;"> 206-660-9840 <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></div>
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</div>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-69082587358367417882012-01-14T17:14:00.000-08:002012-01-14T17:15:39.760-08:00What is Emotional Intelligence?<span lang="EN">
</span>Emotional Intelligence (a.k.a. EI or EQ) is wisdom about, and ability to deal with, emotions. <br />
<br />
Emotional intelligence is developed, not automatic. Increasing your emotional intelligence makes life better.<br />
<br />
Ideally, year by year we grow in emotional intelligence. As we experience various emotions we can recognize them faster and identify what has worked or not worked for us in the past when faced with that same emotion. If we feel rejected, recognize it, and work through it, we have developed wisdom that will help us the next time we feel rejected. When we go through life pretending we don’t have painful emotions, we don’t develop that wisdom. We may be 55 years old but are 14 emotionally. Still, all is not lost; we just have to play catch-up. <br />
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© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.com">ann@annsilvers.com</a> <a href="http://www.annsilvers.com/">http://www.annsilvers.com/</a> <br />
206-660-9840 </div>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-23432937847981698612010-03-13T16:21:00.000-08:002012-01-14T16:58:01.237-08:00Communication: it’s not just what you say<blockquote>
<strong><span style="color: #38761d;">Communication is not just words. It's also tone & body language.</span></strong></blockquote>
<br />
This points out several things:<br />
1. <strong><span style="color: #38761d;">Emotion is a very important part of communication.</span></strong> <br />
Tone and body language express emotion. What this means to you: <span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>If you want to be a good communicator, it’s important to have a working knowledge of emotions</strong>.</span> <br />
Click <em><span style="color: red;">Read More</span></em> to see the rest of the list.<br />
<a name='more'></a><br />
2. <strong><span style="color: #38761d;">Emotions have a tendency to ooze out</span></strong> of us even when we think we’re hiding them and even when we don’t consciously know we have them. I had a client that told me in our initial phone conversation that he wanted help with anger. When he came in for the first appointment he said: “I don’t know why people are always saying I’m angry. I’m not angry!” He eventually realized that anger had been his usual state and he unconsciously let people know with his facial expressions and tone. <br />
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3. It’s very <strong><span style="color: #38761d;">confusing when tone and body language don’t match words</span></strong>. The hearer is left guessing what’s really going on. The classic example is asking your partner what’s wrong and being told “Nothing,” with a tone and body language that let’s you know you’re right to sense something’s wrong, you’re just not going to be told directly what it is. <br />
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4. You have to <span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>consider the tone and body language that went along with a statement if you’re going to talk about the effect of that statement</strong>.</span> If your partner says their feelings were hurt when you said “I don’t want spinach for dinner” and the way you had said it at the time had an angry, demeaning tone; and you respond to their concern by saying, “but, I only said I don’t want spinach for dinner” and this time you say it with a sweat, apologetic tone—you aren’t talking about the same statement. <br />
<br />
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5. <strong><span style="color: #38761d;">Beware email and text messages.</span></strong> When we read written words, we hear tone in our head and attribute the words with an attitude. We may have it wrong. Be careful about assuming you got the emotion behind the words right. When in doubt—check it out. I had a client who made a pact with his girlfriend that they would call and have a voice conversation whenever one of them felt a text conversation was going sideways.<br />
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For more about emotions see: <a href="http://annsilvers.blogspot.com/2010/02/feeling-is-not-4-letter-word.html">Feeling is not a 4-letter word</a> <br />
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© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.biz">ann@annsilvers.biz</a> <a href="http://www.annsilvers.biz/">http://www.annsilvers.biz/</a> <br />
206-660-9840 <a href="http://silverstreamunlimited.com/">http://silverstreamunlimited.com/</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC<br />
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</div>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-53775211437331297252010-03-07T11:14:00.000-08:002010-03-13T17:01:16.510-08:00Anger<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lXVwa5g5CIs/S5P6zBNdgMI/AAAAAAAAACA/hx0qhhXHgz4/s1600-h/ICEBERG.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="200" kt="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_lXVwa5g5CIs/S5P6zBNdgMI/AAAAAAAAACA/hx0qhhXHgz4/s200/ICEBERG.jpg" width="145" /></a></div><strong><span style="color: #38761d;">I see anger as mostly a secondary emotion</span>.</strong> It’s the tip of the iceberg. <br />
<br />
With an actual iceberg, about 1/3rd of it is visible and 2/3rds of it is hidden under the surface. With anger, anger is the visible response, and <span style="color: #274e13;"><strong><span style="color: #38761d;">some sort of emotional pain is hidden under the surface</span></strong>.</span> Instead of dealing with that pain directly, we turn it into anger as a way to release it or redirect it. It’s much healthier to learn how to identify and process directly the pain that’s underneath the anger.<br />
<br />
That emotional pain under the anger could be many things: fear, rejection, shame, resentment . . . . There are many possibilities. <strong><span style="color: #38761d;">Learning to identify the specific emotions you are feeling is an important step in dealing with anger.</span> </strong><br />
Click <span style="color: red;">Read More</span> to see the rest of the article.<br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>Anger can become a useful tool</strong></span>, helping you understand what’s going on for you. When you feel anger rising, ask yourself “What’s really going on for me? What’s the emotion under this anger?” With the answers to those questions, you can make decisions about what you might do to deal with the situation. You can then ask yourself what would be helpful to change: in yourself or the conditions you find yourself in. <br />
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I’ll use the <span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>example</strong></span> of a parent losing a child in a store to demonstrate. The parent is afraid that the child is lost and fear mounts about all the horrible possibilities of terrible things that might have happened to the child. Instead of expressing the fear to the child when he or she is found, the parent expresses anger, possibly shouting at, berating or even hitting the found child. Much better, that the parent express their fear to the child in a verbally direct message. For example: “I was really scared that you were lost or taken by somebody.”<br />
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<span style="color: #38761d;"><strong>You can get to a place of experiencing a lot less anger when you learn how to deal with emotions directly. </strong></span><br />
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For more about emotions see: <a href="http://annsilvers.blogspot.com/2010/02/feeling-is-not-4-letter-word.html">Feeling is not a 4-letter word</a> <br />
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© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.biz">ann@annsilvers.biz</a> <a href="http://www.annsilvers.biz/">http://www.annsilvers.biz/</a> <br />
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206-660-9840 <a href="http://silverstreamunlimited.com/">http://silverstreamunlimited.com/</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLCAnn Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-52622741870158664032010-03-01T13:23:00.000-08:002012-01-18T13:33:29.550-08:00Reasons people stay in abusive relationshipsThere are many reasons why people choose to stay in abusive relationships. The reasons may be complex and deeply rooted in private and cultural patterns or they may simply be that they know of no practical alternative. Any or all of the following may be factors: <br />
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<strong>Hope:</strong> that things will be better. Abuse may come and go in cycles: increasing tension-abuse-release of the tension; back to increasing tension-abuse etc. A lull in the abuse keeps reigniting hope that the abuse is finished. Also, the partner may promise change when there is a threat that the relationship will end. <br />
<strong>Click Read More to see the rest of the list.</strong><br />
<a name='more'></a> <strong>Love:</strong> for the abusive partner. This may be love for the qualities the partner displayed at an earlier phase of the relationship, or displays currently in cycles.<br />
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<strong>Denial:</strong> People often find it difficult to admit to themselves that they are abused. This is especially true for male targets of abuse because there is not wide acknowledgment of spousal abuse by women. <br />
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<strong>Shame:</strong> over feeling like they are giving up, like they have failed. For men there is the added sense that it reflects badly on them as a man if they are targets of abuse by a woman. <br />
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<strong>Guilt:</strong> Abusers are skilled at blaming their victims for making them abuse. This is particularly effective if one of the abusive tactics is to blame the partner for virtually everything—the target of the abuse becomes conditioned to accept blame.<br />
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<strong>Economics:</strong> Worry over the cost of a separate household.<br />
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<strong>Fear:</strong> of losing their children.<br />
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<strong>Fear:</strong> of losing their place in society.<br />
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<strong>Fear:</strong> of being alone forever.<br />
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<strong>Fear:</strong> of the unknown.<br />
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<strong>Fear:</strong> of retaliation. The target of abuse becomes conditioned to there being a “price to pay” whenever they try to stand up for themselves. Abusers may threaten reprisals if the target leaves.<br />
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<strong>Social pressure:</strong> to stay married. <br />
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<strong>Physical attraction.</strong> <br />
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There may be some<strong> benefits to the relationship:</strong> access to sex, prestige, etc. <br />
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<strong>Overemphasis on patience & forgiveness</strong> to the detriment of justice & respect. <br />
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<strong>Isolation:</strong> Abusers often isolate their partners from their friends & family.<br />
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<strong>Low self-confidence:</strong> Abuse undermines a person’s sense that they can manage on their own.<br />
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<strong>Lack of support:</strong> This can be particularly true for men as there are very few resources for men who are targets of abuse. <br />
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<strong>Confusion:</strong> Abuse is very confusing. It can drain the abuse target and leave them immobilized.<br />
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© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.com">ann@annsilvers.com</a> <a href="http://www.annsilvers.com/">http://www.annsilvers.com/</a><br />
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206-660-9840 <a href="http://silverstreamunlimited.com/">http://silverstreamunlimited.com/</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLCAnn Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-90347659775723731012010-02-14T09:03:00.000-08:002010-03-03T20:00:28.346-08:00Own your stuffOwning your problems, opinions, wants and needs and letting others own theirs is a basic foundation principle for successful communication. It’s not only important when you’re communicating with others, it’s also important when you’re communicating with yourself. <br />
Anger and discomfort can grow when we ruminate about how bad someone else made us feel. First of all: no one can MAKE you feel anything. They may do something and you have a certain emotional response, but they didn’t make you feel it. <br />
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Your emotional response to situations arises from your unique makeup of biology and personal history, including experiences ranging from early life to a few minutes ago. Own it—it’s yours. <br />
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A couple of things happen when you own your stuff. Now you can look at your emotional responses with a curiosity about how you came to have that particular response to the particular situation that stimulated it. And it effects your motivations for expressing your side of things and expectations of how others will respond. From this position, the purpose in expressing yourself isn’t to make someone else change. It’s to express how something impacts you. <br />
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It may be that expressing yourself is enough in the particular situation. There may be relief in “getting it off your chest” or “having your say.” It may turn out that the person you’re talking to decides to make adjustments because of hearing your side of things. You may even decide that you want to make changes yourself after getting clarity about the situation. <br />
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You increase your chances of actually being listened to greatly when you communicate from a position of owning your stuff.<br />
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© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.biz">ann@annsilvers.biz</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC <br />
206-660-9840 <a href="http://www.annsilvers.biz/">http://www.annsilvers.biz/</a> <a href="http://silverstreamunlimited.com/">silverstreamunlimited.com</a>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-77507186136484118052010-02-13T11:11:00.000-08:002010-02-14T09:13:22.062-08:00Integrity<strong>A definition of integrity:</strong> <br />
<blockquote>Behaving in an ethical way. Being worthy of people’s trust.</blockquote>I had a client who told me in their first session that he had been “working on integrity.” He said it as if to declare that integrity was something he had made great strides at and was proud of his level of the quality. Just about the time of his 3rd scheduled appointment he called and said that he had guests and could not make it to the appointment. I reminded him that the contract he signed with me said that clients must pay for an hour if they do not give 24 hours notice of cancellation. I also reminded him that we had a conversation about the policy. I make exceptions for sudden illness etc, but this last-minute re-prioritization of time was not an exceptional circumstance. That was the last I saw of him & he did not pay for the missed appointment. He was right about one thing: he needed to work on Integrity.<br />
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Working on building Integrity, some things to think about: <br />
Have you had an opportunity lately to work on advancing your skill with the quality of Integrity? <br />
Do you see an opportunity in the near future? <br />
Have you had challenges with Integrity in the past? <br />
Do you know someone who demonstrates Integrity often? How does it impact their life & the people around them?<br />
How would Integrity, or lack of Integrity, impact your relationships?<br />
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© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.biz">ann@annsilvers.biz</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC <br />
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206-660-9840 <a href="http://www.annsilvers.biz/">http://www.annsilvers.biz/</a>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-46800613572987264502010-02-12T17:59:00.000-08:002010-03-01T13:39:56.825-08:00How abusive women abuse men: introduction<strong><span style="color: black;">Abuse is a pattern of reoccurring behaviors involving self-centered motivations.</span></strong> It is common for abuse to run in cycles of more intense and less intense phases, possibly involving a period of regret, apology, and promises of change. <br />
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<strong><span style="color: black;">Some behaviors, like stabbing or stalking, are blatantly abusive. Other abusive behaviors may be more confusing.</span></strong> Many potentially-abusive behaviors can occur in non-abusive situations. Unplanned pregnancies really are accidental sometimes. People are irritable sometimes and say inappropriate things. A partner may not be in the mood for sex for a myriad of reasonable reasons. The difference between abuse and normal is often found in frequency and motivation. And frequency may not be about reoccurrences of the same abusive behavior but rather a combination of behaviors. <br />
<a name='more'></a><strong>Abusive people extract a cost from others for being close to them, or having been close to them at some time, instead of finding healthy ways to deal with their inner challenges.</strong> They may not be aware that they have a choice. They may not acknowledge that their choices are hurtful. They may have reasons, such as a bad childhood, for their acting out. None of that changes that their behavior is destructive. None of it reduces their responsibility as an adult to notice when their behavior hurts themselves and/or others and take the necessary steps for self-awareness and change. Reasons for behavior don’t excuse the behavior.<br />
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<strong>Abusive people seek out partners they can abuse.</strong> Abusive women often pair up with nice guys. Nice guys may be pulled in by abusive women because they hope to help the woman, hope to take care of her. The rescuer may find that the woman they hoped to rescue gets satisfaction from pulling the rescuer down. Or the nice guy may be unwittingly trapped by an abusive woman because he doesn’t recognize abuse warning signs or because the woman is skilled at hiding her abusive nature until the trap is secured and the prey is snared. <br />
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Male targets of abusive women have a great deal of challenge understanding the situation they find themselves in. <strong>The phenomenon of women as abusers is very widespread but largely ignored or discounted.</strong> The focus, for the last 50 years, on women’s rights and abuse of women by men has made abuse by women a very unpopular topic. Some squash discussion of the topic as if recognition of abuse by women undermines recognition of abuse of women. In reality, both are happening, both need attention, and acknowledging one in no way undercuts the other. <br />
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There is a variety of <strong>techniques abusive women use to abuse men</strong>. Some, such as isolating the target of abuse from friends and family, are the same as abusive men use with women. Some are similar to those used by men but with a twist. For example women who are physically violent with their partner are likely to prefer methods that overcome their size and strength disadvantages. If they do choose methods that are strength related they play on a nice guy’s training to not hit girls. Some behaviors of abusive women are available to them for use on men specifically because of their genders. For example, an abusive woman can capture a man by getting pregnant with his child.<br />
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<a href="http://annsilvers.blogspot.com/2010/02/ways-women-abuse-men-list.html#more">Click here for a list of ways women abuse men.</a>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-41095431761245274242010-02-12T17:33:00.000-08:002019-05-17T13:30:18.459-07:00Ways abusive women abuse men: a listAbusive people sometimes have methods-of-choice and so focus their abuse in a few select ways. Others use a variety-pack of abuses. The following are examples of how abusive women abuse men. Some of the ways women abuse are the same or similar to those used by men, some are unique to women. It is important to be clear that it would not be expected that all the possible techniques are used in each case. <br />
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<strong><span style="font-size: large;">Examples of how abusive women abuse men:</span></strong><br />
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<strong>1. “accidental” or coerced pregnancy – effective way to keep a man attached to them, may be to extract childsupport</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>pin pricks in condoms</li>
<li>“my IUD fell out”</li>
<li>“I forgot to take my pills”</li>
<li>“a/another child will make our marriage better”</li>
<li>make partner think he wants a child</li>
</ul>
<strong>2. sexual abuse</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>using sex to lure & trap (sometimes denying access after trapping) </li>
<li>using sex as a manipulation tool </li>
<li>withholding sex </li>
<li>using sex as a reward for desired behavior</li>
<li>flirting or having affairs with other men</li>
<li>sexual teasing</li>
<li>seduction followed by rape accusation</li>
</ul>
<strong>3. feigning illness</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>this hearkens back to times when women took arsenic to appear weak & in need of someone to take care of them</li>
<li>particularly illnesses based on self-reported symptoms: depression, anxiety, pain</li>
<li>the illness becomes an excuse for a myriad of things: getting out of work, appearing too sick to be left, other abuses </li>
</ul>
<strong>4. financial abuse</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>controlling the finances</li>
<li>misuse of funds</li>
<li>keeping the family poor -- limits partner’s ability to escape </li>
<li>refusal to contribute financially to the family unit</li>
<li>sabotaging your job or threatening to do so</li>
</ul>
<strong>5. verbal abuse</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>berating, fault-finding, humiliating, mocking, biting sarcasm</li>
<li>circular arguing --- illogical arguing that leaves partner in a trance</li>
<li>ranges from rageful to passive aggressive</li>
<li>body language that is demeaning and belittling (ie: eye rolling)</li>
</ul>
<strong> 6. isolation</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>alienate friends & family </li>
<li>limit contact with friends & family </li>
<li>undermine relationships</li>
<li>tell negative stories about partner to others (may contain a kernel of truth, but is purposefully exaggerated)</li>
</ul>
<strong>7. alienation of affection:</strong> alienating his children, aka parental alienation<br />
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<strong>8. playing helpless</strong> </div>
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<strong>9. unwillingness to take responsibility for their bad behavior</strong></div>
<ul>
<li>sometimes blaming him for her bad behavior</li>
</ul>
<strong>10. physical abuse</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>throwing or breaking things</li>
<li>scratching, kicking, biting</li>
<li>hitting with hands or objects</li>
<li>assaulting with knives, guns, vehicles, golf clubs, etc</li>
</ul>
<strong>11. demanding and controlling </strong><br />
<ul>
<li>extracting a “price” for going against their wishes: silent treatment, verbal abuse… </li>
</ul>
<strong>12. histrionics</strong> <br />
<ul>
<li>overly dramatic reactions </li>
<li>overemotional responses that demand attention or that the partner behave in a certain way to make the response subside</li>
<li>use crying to punish and pull partner in line </li>
</ul>
<strong>13. lying or withholding information</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>when challenged on the lies or withholding will divert attention, adamantly deny, make partner the bad guy for accusing them of lying</li>
</ul>
<strong>14. threatening</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>to be sad/melancholy </li>
<li>to leave</li>
<li>to not allow access to their children</li>
<li>to undermine his job</li>
<li>to commit suicide</li>
<li>to hurt him or others</li>
</ul>
<strong>15. false accusations voiced to family, clients, co-workers, friends, and/or legal authorities</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>false accusations of sexual abuse of themselves or children, rape, physical abuse, verbal abuse</li>
<li>falsify information to get a restraining order or deprive him of access to his children</li>
</ul>
<strong>16. unreasonable jealousy</strong><br />
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<strong>17. stalking</strong></div>
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<strong>18. harassment</strong></div>
<ul>
<li>phone calls, text messages, emails, in-person, through third parties</li>
</ul>
<strong>19. destruction of his property</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>throwing of his possessions out on the lawn</li>
<li>slashing his tires</li>
<li>damaging something with special significance for him</li>
<li>etc</li>
</ul>
<strong>20. malicious use of process</strong><br />
<ul>
<li>unfounded use of court or legal action in order to extract a cost from you</li>
</ul>
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© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.com">ann@annsilvers.com</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC <br />
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206-660-9840 <a href="http://www.annsilvers.com/">http://www.annsilvers.com/</a> </div>
Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-20711138169015019182010-02-12T11:55:00.000-08:002010-02-14T09:13:55.709-08:00Fear, stress & anxietyOften what we label as “stress” is based in underlying feelings of fear. Everyone feels fear sometimes, even those people that may have the misconception that having fear is a sign of weakness. All emotions are tools that let us know what is going on between us and the world. Fear warns us of danger. Sometimes, it’s healthy to listen to the fear because if you do the thing that stimulated the fear you or someone else will get hurt. Sometimes, the fear isn’t that rational. The perceived threat may not be as dangerous as the level of our fear would indicate or may in fact not be dangerous at all. Sometimes the fear needs to be overridden.<br />
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People experience a wide range of fears over things big and small; in and out of their control. We may fear growing old, change, not making the mortgage payment, public speaking, taking a test, making a mistake, appearing stupid, loss of control, getting hurt (physically or emotionally), not getting to watch our favorite TV show, the toothpaste drying out, the dishwasher not getting filed “right,” …. The list is endless.<br />
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If we perceive the threat to be life or death fear triggers the fight or flight response. A physical response, for example a rush of adrenalin, joins in with the emotional one. We quickly make a decision whether we want to stand up to the threat or retreat. If the perceived threat continues over a long period of time or keeps coming back, we get worn out emotionally and physically. <br />
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When we feel fear we would do well to ask ourselves what, specifically, we are afraid of so we can make conscious decisions how to respond. We can figure out whether we are going to “fight” by tackling the fear stimulus in a methodical way or take the “flight” option by thoughtfully changing course.<br />
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Sometimes fear grows bigger and bigger as we imagine awful possibilities. We blow something up in our mind to catastrophic proportions simultaneously creating a fear mushroom cloud. Psychologist Albert Ellis called this awfulizing. Awfulizing is dwelling on the worst case scenario and imagining devastation rather then formulating how to cope with that scenario or pulling our self back to a more real picture of possible outcomes. Losing a job because your company downsized is scary. Imagining never working again is awfulizing. Anyone may have moments when they fear the worst. Getting stuck in that position can result in a fear drenched inability to move. <br />
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It might be that the fear was triggered by something from the past or a similar-but-different situation. It might be that fear was stimulated by your consideration of doing something that isn’t familiar to you. Author Susan Jeffers says that people have a comfort zone made up of those things that are familiar to them and they will experience fear any time they consider doing something outside that comfort zone. This is a normal reaction. If you wait for the fear to subside you’ll never do the feared thing because the fear can only go away when experience makes the object of the fear part of your comfort zone. You have to decide to go ahead and do it while feeling fear in order to get to a time when you can do it without fear. Thus the title of her book: Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway.<br />
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It is noteworthy that the comfort zone Dr Jeffers talks about may be comfortable for its familiarity and yet uncomfortable for its destructiveness. A person who grew up emotionally abused and is now in an emotionally abusive relationship may fear leaving it because those experiences are familiar and somehow “comfortable” at the same time as they are uncomfortable for obvious reasons. <br />
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There is a hierarchy of fear. It looks something like this: <br />
panic (immobilizing)<br />
anxiety (consuming)<br />
worry (distracting)<br />
concern (directing)<br />
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The higher on the hierarchy your emotional level is, the more energy you burn up. At the level of panic, fear is immobilizing. You have trouble breathing let alone accomplishing other tasks. Anxiety consumes your physical, mental, and emotional energy. Worry eats away at you. It distracts the mind making it difficult to clearly think through options and take constructive action. Concern can be energizing. It tells you something is important and in need of your attention.<br />
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It may be helpful to learn how to lower your emotional response from the higher levels of panic, anxiety, and worry down to the level of concern. One step toward achieving that is to actually know that you don’t have to stay at the high emotional levels to do something about a feared situation or thing. If you find yourself anxious about getting dinner on the table you can potentially bring that agitation into the less destructive realm by taking a couple of deep breathes, acknowledge that you have to be concerned about that goal, and think through the steps to accomplish the goal.<br />
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Susan Jeffers suggests that fear can be reduced by asking yourself what the worst case scenario could be in the situation and then figure out what you would do if it actually happened. Once you can see a way to handle the worst case scenario, you don’t have to fear the situation anymore. If you fear asking someone out on a date because they might say no and you would feel rejected, you can create a plan for dealing with the possibility of them saying no (preferably a healthy plan—not going out and getting drunk to drown your sorrows.) You could have a plan to call a friend and talk, go to the gym and work off the down feeling, remind yourself that a no doesn’t make you a bad person, …. The possibilities are endless and you can think up one, or more, that suit you and your unique circumstances.<br />
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<blockquote>“We can’t escape fear. We can only transform it into a companion that accompanies us in all our exciting adventures” <br />
-- Susan Jeffers, Ph.D., Feel the Fear And Do It Anyway</blockquote>© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.biz">ann@annsilvers.biz</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC <br />
206-660-9840 <a href="http://www.annsilvers.biz/">http://www.annsilvers.biz/</a>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2039028855080232417.post-45808824518449622182010-02-10T17:49:00.000-08:002010-02-14T09:14:12.254-08:00Feeling is not a 4-letter wordSome people act like feelings are something other people—lesser people—have, but not something they experience themselves. This concept grows out of training from parents who had that same idea or contact with adults or peers who made acceptance conditional upon the “feelings are bad” code. <br />
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The reality is that feelings, or emotions, are an integral and crucial part of being human. Emotions are great tools that let us know what is going on between us and the world. They create a feedback loop that can inform our choices about what to think, do, and say. Fear of big trucks on the move can keep us from walking out into the street as one passes by. Ignoring that feeling can be deadly. <br />
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If we don’t pay attention to our emotions, they will still create behaviors in us, we just won’t be as in control of those actions as we are when we are conscious about our emotions. <br />
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When we don’t acknowledge our painful emotions, we have a tendency to store them. <strong>It’s as if we have columns of different emotions inside of us. </strong>Each column becoming a storage facility contributed to by a variety of situations that all stimulated that particular emotional response. It’s like we have a column of fear, a column of guilt, one of resentment, and so on. <br />
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Ideally these columns have a spigot at the bottom that opens up as we process the emotion through. The column might get backed up for a while when big things happen, but we eventually process the emotion through and have room again for the next events that trigger that emotion. <br />
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For many people, it’s like the spigot is crazy-glued shut. They are very intent that “negative” emotions in general, or possibly some in particular, are not going to be expressed by them and they think they can shut them down. What they aren’t taking into account is that the feelings are not going to be denied an exit point. If you stop them from flowing through in a conscious way they will find other ways to be expressed. <br />
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Emotions that are blocked from being processed through don’t disappear. They are stored and tend to get pressurized. The column just gets fuller and fuller, until it fills up and a scum-like seal gets created at the top. The next event that triggers that emotion (it might be the smallest of stimuli) creates a hole (it may just be a pinprick size) in the scum and the pressurized emotion comes oozing out. And it often creates a big mess: over reactions, anger, blurted responses… because the person is feeling all that stored emotion, not just the feelings that go with the situation that just presented itself. <br />
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Alternatively, the way that a person deals with having these storehouses of painful emotions is to go numb. They shut down so hard they can’t feel anything. There are huge prices to pay for this method of denying emotions. It takes energy to keep the lid on tight, and, when you can’t feel pain, you can’t joy either. Life becomes a bland, draining existence. WHEN YOUR EMOTIONS AREN’T GETTING DRAINED YOU GET DRAINED. <br />
© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC <a href="mailto:ann@annsilvers.biz">ann@annsilvers.biz</a> Silverstream Unlimited, PLLC <br />
206-660-9840 <a href="http://www.annsilvers.biz/">http://www.annsilvers.biz/</a>Ann Silvers, MA, LMHChttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14436295872685705505noreply@blogger.com