How abusive women abuse men: introduction

Abuse is a pattern of reoccurring behaviors involving self-centered motivations. It is common for abuse to run in cycles of more intense and less intense phases, possibly involving a period of regret, apology, and promises of change.

Some behaviors, like stabbing or stalking, are blatantly abusive. Other abusive behaviors may be more confusing. Many potentially-abusive behaviors can occur in non-abusive situations. Unplanned pregnancies really are accidental sometimes. People are irritable sometimes and say inappropriate things. A partner may not be in the mood for sex for a myriad of reasonable reasons. The difference between abuse and normal is often found in frequency and motivation. And frequency may not be about reoccurrences of the same abusive behavior but rather a combination of behaviors.
Abusive people extract a cost from others for being close to them, or having been close to them at some time, instead of finding healthy ways to deal with their inner challenges. They may not be aware that they have a choice. They may not acknowledge that their choices are hurtful. They may have reasons, such as a bad childhood, for their acting out. None of that changes that their behavior is destructive. None of it reduces their responsibility as an adult to notice when their behavior hurts themselves and/or others and take the necessary steps for self-awareness and change. Reasons for behavior don’t excuse the behavior.

Abusive people seek out partners they can abuse. Abusive women often pair up with nice guys. Nice guys may be pulled in by abusive women because they hope to help the woman, hope to take care of her. The rescuer may find that the woman they hoped to rescue gets satisfaction from pulling the rescuer down. Or the nice guy may be unwittingly trapped by an abusive woman because he doesn’t recognize abuse warning signs or because the woman is skilled at hiding her abusive nature until the trap is secured and the prey is snared.

Male targets of abusive women have a great deal of challenge understanding the situation they find themselves in. The phenomenon of women as abusers is very widespread but largely ignored or discounted. The focus, for the last 50 years, on women’s rights and abuse of women by men has made abuse by women a very unpopular topic. Some squash discussion of the topic as if recognition of abuse by women undermines recognition of abuse of women. In reality, both are happening, both need attention, and acknowledging one in no way undercuts the other.

There is a variety of techniques abusive women use to abuse men. Some, such as isolating the target of abuse from friends and family, are the same as abusive men use with women. Some are similar to those used by men but with a twist. For example women who are physically violent with their partner are likely to prefer methods that overcome their size and strength disadvantages. If they do choose methods that are strength related they play on a nice guy’s training to not hit girls. Some behaviors of abusive women are available to them for use on men specifically because of their genders. For example, an abusive woman can capture a man by getting pregnant with his child.

Click here for a list of ways women abuse men.