Reasons people stay in abusive relationships

There are many reasons why people choose to stay in abusive relationships. The reasons may be complex and deeply rooted in private and cultural patterns or they may simply be that they know of no practical alternative. Any or all of the following may be factors:

 Hope: that things will be better. Abuse may come and go in cycles: increasing tension-abuse-release of the tension; back to increasing tension-abuse etc. A lull in the abuse keeps reigniting hope that the abuse is finished. Also, the partner may promise change when there is a threat that the relationship will end.
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 Love: for the abusive partner. This may be love for the qualities the partner displayed at an earlier phase of the relationship, or displays currently in cycles.

 Denial: People often find it difficult to admit to themselves that they are abused. This is especially true for male targets of abuse because there is not wide acknowledgment of spousal abuse by women.

 Shame: over feeling like they are giving up, like they have failed. For men there is the added sense that it reflects badly on them as a man if they are targets of abuse by a woman.

 Guilt: Abusers are skilled at blaming their victims for making them abuse. This is particularly effective if one of the abusive tactics is to blame the partner for virtually everything—the target of the abuse becomes conditioned to accept blame.

 Economics: Worry over the cost of a separate household.

 Fear: of losing their children.

 Fear: of losing their place in society.

 Fear: of being alone forever.

 Fear: of the unknown.

 Fear: of retaliation. The target of abuse becomes conditioned to there being a “price to pay” whenever they try to stand up for themselves. Abusers may threaten reprisals if the target leaves.

 Social pressure: to stay married.

 Physical attraction.

 There may be some benefits to the relationship: access to sex, prestige, etc.

 Overemphasis on patience & forgiveness to the detriment of justice & respect.

 Isolation: Abusers often isolate their partners from their friends & family.

 Low self-confidence: Abuse undermines a person’s sense that they can manage on their own.

 Lack of support: This can be particularly true for men as there are very few resources for men who are targets of abuse.

 Confusion: Abuse is very confusing. It can drain the abuse target and leave them immobilized.

© Ann Silvers, MA, LMHC ann@annsilvers.com  http://www.annsilvers.com/

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